Reconnecting
by thousand-miles
Summary: Post war at home fic. Their connection seemed lost. How were they going to find it again? How are they going to find their way back to each other?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Reconnecting**

**Author: thousandmiles**

**Rating: K+**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by me. Just having some fun. **

**Summary: Post war at home fic. Their connection seemed lost. How were they going to find it again? How are they going to find their way back to each other?**

**A/N: Watching the War at Home I realized it of course needed a post-ep fic. And this time I decided to write one. I let it all settle for a bit and thought what I wanted. I wanted angst, romance, Alex angry at Bobby, Bobby not knowing what to do, and… some sweet moments. But most of all I wanted to show how everything affected them both and how lost they both were without their connection. Not sure if that's working out, but here is the first chapter. I've finished the second already and I'm working on the third. But I won't post the second till I've written more on the third chapter. Enjoy and let me know what you think. The first chapter is Alex oriented. **

**Chapter one**

They needed time apart, that's what the rational part of her said. But the another part yelled at her to go to him. To help him through the pain he was struggling with. Still his refusal to talk to her hurt and made her want to back off.

After talking to Ross they'd agreed they would have a week off to cool down and hopefully get back on track again. If not, Ross had warned her, there would be consequences.

And now she was wandering the streets on her way home. She didn't know what to do. Bobby had told her to back off. Never before had he been that blunt to her. Yet that also told her how much he needed her. She needed to hang in there. He couldn't loose someone else in his life. Still she couldn't shake his refusal to talk to her. Every question she'd asked had been left unanswered. And not for the first time did she wonder if maybe this was related to his own time in the army. If this case had somehow hit a nerve?

Eventually she ended up at the cemetery. She would visit Joe's grave a several times a year. Especially when she didn't know what to do, she usually found her way to his grave. He'd always been the one to help her through her rough times. When they'd been together, he could always give her a solution or made her see things differently. Walking to his grave she thought about how different he and Bobby were. Joe had been outgoing and social. Bobby was introvert and uncomfortable around groups. As different as they were, her love for them was the same. And the hurt she felt from Bobby's betrayal wasn't something she could let go.

Crouching down at Joe's grave she traced the letters. _Joe Anderson_. She still missed him, but she'd long ago found her peace with his death. In the beginning she never knew what to say. It had felt awkward, standing at his grave…, just talking. She was too down to earth for it, but she'd found out it helped.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Joe. I can't seem to reach him. He won't let me. What can I do if he won't let me help? He… he seems so lost. He's in so much pain and he just wants do it all by himself. Nothing I do seems good enough. He ignores me.., he… it's as if he can't bear to be with me anymore and that hurts. I love him, Joe. He's one difficult man to love. He won't let me in, won't let me get close. I thought we were growing closer. Ever since the kidnapping.., it's just not the same anymore. The distance… it's growing… and it's killing me. Why can't he see that I won't hurt him? Why does he still doubt me? Why won't he trust me, Joe? Where did I go wrong?"

She felt the tears run down her cheeks. Never one to cry, she angrily wiped away the tears. Bobby's actions caused her so much turmoil. She loved this man. But she wondered if he would ever let her love him. She stayed at Joe's grave for a few more minutes before she went back to wandering through the streets.

She didn't know what time it was or how long she'd been out, when she suddenly saw where she was. She was a few minutes away from Bobby's apartment building. Stopping she thought about her options. She could just leave or she could see if he was there. Then again she didn't want to be the one taking the first step yet again. She wanted him to need her. More and more she started to feel this was all one sided. Just like her love for him. Even though part of her refused to go to him, she started to walk to his apartment building.

Inside, standing in front of his door, she knocked. She had the key, but first she wanted to see if he was there and if he would open the door for her. After knocking for the third time and the door still didn't open, Alex searched for his key. They had exchanged keys a long time ago and she'd never used it before. Today was going to be a first.

Closing the door behind her she only found darkness. Clearly he wasn't there. Turning the lights on, it immediately became clear that things weren't going well for him. Bobby usually kept a tidy and neat place and now… in the sink there were still plates and cups. There were plates on the coffee table in the living room. There were clothes and a blanket thrown on the bank. Pushing the blanket away she sat down on the couch. Sighing she ran a hand through her hair. "Bobby." Alex whispered his name. Putting her elbows on her knees, she leaned forward, her head on her hands. "Where are you?"

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all for your reviews!!!!!! I promised I would post the next chapter if I had the third chapter finished. Well I finished it. So here it is. This time more about Bobby. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as the next. **

**Chapter two**

It was the middle of the night when Bobby finally returned to his apartment. He had spend most of the day with mother. And when he finally had to leave he'd stopped at a nearby park to just sit and think. He'd thought about his job, if he still had one; his mother, the pain she was going through; and Alex… had he lost her too?

Alex… he had really blown things with her. The distance between them was growing because of his refusal to talk to her. He realized that and while part of him needed to be with her, the bigger part of him… the part that still retreated when things got too emotional had screamed at him to back off, to create more distance. That part of him had won and the distance… it hurt her… and him too. He knew she was angry at him and she had every right to be. He just hoped… he hadn't lost the most important person in his life. The one…, who filled the emptiness. If she was gone…, he would only have Lewis. Because his mother…, the doctors weren't giving her much time. Would he end up all alone, just like he always thought he would?

As soon as he opened his door, he knew someone had been there. Turning the lights on he saw his apartment was once again clean and tidy. Something it hadn't been for while. And right then he knew who had been there, Alex, and his heart skipped a beat. Now that he knew he focused. He could always sense her presence and even if lately their connection wavered, it was still there. Closing his eyes, he stood still and took a deep breath. There it was again, their connection, he felt it. He felt her presence. She was still here.

Immediately he went in search of her. His apartment wasn't big so finding her wouldn't take long. In his living room he saw the blanket folded up on his couch. Seeing she wasn't there, that only left one room. Quietly he opened the door to his bedroom which had been slightly ajar. Standing in the doorway, with the light shining in from behind him, he saw her small form huddled together in his bed. Having her there, it was something he'd dreamed about, though the circumstances were different from what he'd envisioned. The warmth and love he felt for her, spread through his body.

At that very moment the urge to hold her in his arms, to feel her against his body, to take the comfort that her presence offered, hit him hard. He took a few shaky breaths, but he could not hold back his whisper. "Alex." Seeing her stir, he held his breath, not wanting her to wake up. Then she suddenly turned around on her side. Now he could see her beautiful face which took his breath away. He cherished this moment. If this would be their last peaceful moment, then he wanted this etched into his brain. He dared to take a few steps closer. That's when he saw her tear stained cheeks. She'd been crying.

He hated to know she'd been in pain, hated to see her in pain. He still saw her in the hospital bed with tears in her eyes, in his nightmares. The ones where he couldn't save her. He still blamed himself for the pain she'd been trough. After that things had gone downwards for them. Their connection had started to waver and he did not know how to make it right. Not when he was wrecked with so much guilt.

Alex stirred again, he noticed. He dared to take another step closer and wanted to take another one when he heard her voice. "Bobby." Even in her sleep she said his name with a certain agony. That's when he decided to back off and let her sleep. At least he could give her that. He grabbed his sweatpants and a shirt and left his bedroom. Sleeping on the couch was nothing new anymore.

The next morning, Alex woke from a fairly good night of sleep. She was slightly disoriented though when she opened her eyes. With her mind still groggy from sleep she didn't know where she was. That's when the previous day and night came back to her and she realized she was in Bobby's bed. She gave herself a moment and she noticed she had one of Bobby's shirts on. She'd forgotten that, but she knew she'd done it to be close to him because face to face she felt farther away from him than ever before. Knowing she couldn't stay in his bed forever and wondering if Bobby was actually there, she got up.

Treading into Bobby's living room she immediately spotted him on the couch. Not that he was hard to miss. Maybe it was the fact that her brain wasn't operating fully yet or maybe it showed her despair, that made her make her next move. As if this was their last chance. She knew he probably needed his sleep, but she couldn't wait otherwise the courage would leave. It was time for her to do things different. To not hold back and try to get through to him. It was now… or never.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Luckily chapter four is getting along and that's why you're getting three earlier than planned. I know the chapters are shorter then usual, it's just that it seems like a good spot to end the chapter. Thanks for all the kind reviews. They brighten my day and make me write more. Like I said before..., I'm not sure where this is going. Of course they end up together, just don't know what will happen. Also... some may think the events in this chapter are OOC. I believe that at the point they arrived, they need to reassure theirselves again. They need to know the other is there. Their connection needs to be restored first before they can talk. At least that's my vision. Reviews are welcome and appreciated. **

**Chapter three**

Sitting down on the couch, she watched him sleep for a moment. He was perfectly quiet unlike the ever moving and energetic detective he was during the day. Softly she ran a hand through his soft curls. This made him stir and in that first waking moment, he whispered Alex's name and that's when she knew that no matter how hard he was going to push… she would simply push back until he could do no more.

"Hey." She said with a soft voice when she saw his eyes flutter open. She had never seen the open and vulnerable look he was giving her.

For a moment they were both silent, simply looking at each other. As if they were both searching for their connection, hoping they would still feel it. She put her hand on his shirt clad chest, feeling his heart beat a little faster. And looking at him, she showed him everything she felt, the pain, the hurt and the love she felt for him. She hoped he could accept it.

Grateful that she was still talking to him, Bobby was content to watch her. At that very moment he needed to touch her. Slowly he reached out for her, his finger gently traced her jaw and he felt her smooth and soft skin.

In his eyes she saw surprise, surprise that she was still there. "I was always there Bobby, trying to reach you." She whispered.

He acknowledged her words with a slight nod. He didn't know what to do next. How to act around her. Things weren't as messed up between them as he thought, but there was still a lot of work to do. The urge to hold her in his arms was still there. It had been there for a long time, usually simmering, but now the urge was more than ever. He needed the comfort that she brought him. He decided to take the risk, to dare the refusal and pain it would subsequently cause, knowing the comfort she would bring would overshadow it. With one hand he cupped her jaw for a moment. Then he slid it to the back of her neck and slowly pulled her forward, hoping she would accept… the gesture, but he felt her tense. That didn't hold him back. He placed his other hand on her waist. Not holding anything back in his eyes, he showed her everything. "Please."

Alex realized his intentions and knew she needed this as much as he did. Willingly she went into his arms. Bobby pulled her down next to him and his arms wrapped around her. The couch wasn't very big, their bodies were pressed together, but it felt right. Both took a deep breath and Bobby tightened his arms around her. He buried his face in her neck and breathed her in. She felt so tiny in his arms. She felt so good. This is where he wanted her to be.

She loved being enveloped by him. He was such a strong, broad, muscular person, but he was also the gentlest man she knew. And she felt that gentleness in the way he held her. That's when she knew this was right. That to have this, it would all be worth it, that no matter how hard he would make her fight.

Words weren't necessary at the moment. They needed this. They could talk about it all later. Both knew, no matter what was going to be said – and a lot would be said- the other would still be there. For the moment, that was the most important thing.

The silence however had to end some time and it was Alex who ended it, but she didn't leave his arms. "We have a lot to talk about." She kept her voice soft and gentle.

"I know." He couldn't look at her just yet. "I… I thought you would be gone."

She was going to be honest with him, hold nothing back. Not now, not when this felt like the moment of truth. "I considered it." She ran a hand through his greying hair. She pulled him back, 'till he had no other choice than to look in her eyes. "You purposely shut me out. You hurt me so much." He averted his eyes, but she wouldn't let him. He needed to see how much. "No more, okay?"

"Okay." He said just as soft. "I… I missed you."

"I missed you too, Bobby." She wondered if he was going to call her Alex some time during this conversation.

Neither knew what to do next. Bobby didn't want to do anything at all. He simply wanted to hold her and hoping the hurt he'd caused her would simply go away. But life wasn't that simple. Alex waited for Bobby to make a move. This time it was up to him. She'd already taken the first step by coming over.

Bobby knew she wanted him to go first. Carefully he sat up, taking her with him. This conversation, they couldn't do lying down. For one he would be too distracted by her body and two... well one was the most important. With her now sitting next to him, Bobby reached for her hand and linked their fingers. "I don't know where to start." He was ready to take the first step, he just needed her to help him out.

Where to start? There was so much they needed to talk about. Everything after the kidnapping. But there was one subject, the one he refused to talk to her about. The one that hurt the most. "How's your mother?' The hand that held hers immediately tightened.

Lowering his head he took a deep breath. He knew he couldn't keep it bottled up any longer. Talking about his mother, showed his vulnerability and that wasn't easy for him.

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Let me thank you all again for the wonderful reviews. I haven't even started on the fifth chapter because I hardly had time to write this weekend. But I decided to give you chapter four. Just no promises when chapter five will be here. And yes still not a very long chapter .Can't help it, it's just the way it goes. It seemed a good way to end this chapter. I hope you all like this because this was a tricky chapter. Bobby talking about his mother. I didn't want it to be tooo emotional, yet it had to be emotional to show how this was influencing him. So I hope I found a middle way there. Reviews are very much appreciated!!!

**Chapter four**

He knew he had to answer her. He just needed time to find the right words. Words that wouldn't make him loose control. Because when he talked about her, in the condition she was in now, he was afraid he'd loose control. He hated losing control. "She's… very sick, Eames. I… she's a fighter, but she's not strong enough to fight… this." When his emotions were so close to the surface, he always started to stumble over his words. Angrily he ran a hand through his hair. "There's nothing I can do for her. It's out of my control and…"

"You need to be in control." Alex squeezed his hand. She saw his struggle, but was glad that he was letting her in.

"Yeah." It came out like a sigh.

"I've taken care of her for so long. I tried so hard to do the right thing. To make sure she was taken care of. And now…, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, there's nothing I can do." He let go of her hand and stood up. He started his familiar pacing.

"I feel like I'm failing her. I'm all she has and there's nothing I can do." He turned around, facing her. His arms spread, his hair mussed and his eyes…, they showed his despair. "I'm watching my mother die!" And softer. "I'm watching her die."

Her heart went out to him. He was standing there unlike the strong, confident detective he was. Despite his length, he now seemed like a small, lost little boy who needed someone to bring him back. She knew he didn't want pity. He wanted comfort. He needed to know someone was there.

"I'm losing the one person I had left." He was back to pacing again. "She always believed in me. Always told me to keep believing in myself." His anger seemed to be back again. His voice raised. "Why? She's been through so much already. Why can't she just have a little peace?! Why is this happening to her?!" In his anger he kicked a chair to he ground.

She needed to calm him down. If she didn't, his anger would get the best of him and then she didn't know how his apartment would end up. "Bobby." She said his name, but didn't get any reaction from him. She got up, closing the distance between them. "Bobby." She tried again, this time louder. Carefully she touched his arm, not wanting to scare him.

Bobby's eyes were on the hand she had on his arm, before they focused on her eyes. The anger was still there. "Don't…, I don't want your pity."

"It's not pity. You know it's not." She saw he was about to object. "No, Bobby. Look at me. You know it's not pity." She saw her words reached him when the anger in his eyes vanished, replaced by pain again.

"I'm losing her."

She was unsure if a hug was something he wanted or needed. Bobby, however seemed to make the decision for her. He roughly wrapped his arms around her. "I can't loose you too, Alex." He whispered into her shoulder.

His embrace was so tight. As if she was being crushed into him. But she didn't mind. He needed her and she was going to be there. "I'm not going anywhere." She whispered against his chest. She felt his arms tighten around her even more…, if that was possible.

That's when he admitted something else. "I'm scared, Alex. I'm scared of losing her, scared of being alone… scared of what's coming." And his biggest fear of all. "I'm scared of… losing myself."

Alex pulled back and cupped his rough jaw in her hands. The unshed tears in his eyes made her own tears appear. "You won't loose yourself. I won't let you." Her voice was clear, making sure he wouldn't hear any doubt in her voice. She softly stroked his jaw with her thumb. "It's okay to be scared." She wiped away a lone tear that ran down his cheek. "If you fall, Bobby, I'll catch you."

He cherished this petite woman in his life. She was his anchor, the one who held the most of the storm at bay. And the fact that after all he'd done to her, how he had failed her, she was still there. How was he ever going to repay her? Nothing he could do, would ever be enough. Nothing could ever show his gratitude. Somehow, someway he was going to show her just how important, if not the most important element she was in his life. She held him together. She kept him going.

"Thank you." He drew her into his arms again and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

Alex responded by placing a kiss on his shirt clad chest. A few minutes later she ended their embrace. She knew they needed a break. It couldn't be said all at once. "How about we eat something? Why don't you go shower. I'll start breakfast. When you're back I'll shower and you can finish breakfast. Okay?"

"Yeah." Turning around he walked to his bedroom. Not before turning looking back one more time and watch Alex walk into his kitchen, wearing his black NYPD shirt. He hoped, this wouldn't be the last time.

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This chapter was a real struggle. It needed to be light, yet also show that they weren't back to their old selves. And you will see when reading, that this chapter was a struggle. It wasn't until the last part that I knew I had my 'groove' back. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews again. They are always very welcome! And for those who read Family Getaway... you gotta wait a bit longer, because I have no clue yet what to do with it. I hope you can be patient. Well enjoy this chapter. It's also a bit longer than the others, to make up for the long wait! Reviews are welcome and appreciated!**

**Chapter five**

Coming back from the shower she saw Bobby had taken the time to set the table. They were going to have a real breakfast. Bobby was looking slightly better. He was wearing jeans and dark blue sweater. He looked at ease, though the storm was still there in his eyes.

They had a nice quiet breakfast before they went to Alex's apartment. After changing her clothes they decided to take the car to a nearby park and take a long walk. On their way Alex decided to visit her sister to pick up her nephew. It had been too long since she'd spend time with him. It would also do Bobby good.

Luckily her sister-in-law had no problem with them taking Scott for a few hours. Scott who was now three and a half years old, was an energetic, talkative little boy who adored his aunt Alex.

In the car he immediately began with his questions. "Where are we going?"

"To the park, Scott."

"Are there swings?"

"I'm sure there are."

"Will you push me? I wanna go high."

Alex smiled at the excited voice of her nephew. "I will." She promised.

"Are you going to the park with us, uncle Bobby??" Scott had started calling Bobby uncle a few months ago. Neither felt the need to correct him.

Bobby smiled at the name. He turned towards the little boy. "Yeah, I am."

The rest of the drive to the park he was quiet. Alex and Bobby didn't speak either. In the park, Scott walked next to Alex, his small hand in hers. And Alex, who didn't want to loose the connection she and Bobby were rebuilding, slid her hand in his. Bobby immediately linked their fingers and slightly pulled her closer.

A couple of minutes later they spotted the swings and climbing racks. Scott pulled his aunt along and his aunt… she pulled Bobby along. Just liked Scott had asked, Alex pushed her nephew higher and higher. The higher he got, the harder Scott's laughed. Bobby simply watched Alex with her nephew. He smiled how they both enjoyed the moment. Tired from pushing, Alex turned to Bobby.

"Come on, you take over. I need a rest." Alex sat down on another swing.

Bobby didn't want to push too hard, not wanting anything to happen to Scott. But Scott kept yelling he wanted to go higher. Not wanting to disappoint the little boy, Bobby pushed a bit harder.

"Now you try alone." Bobby said to Scott, slowing the swing down. Bobby walked to the swing next to Scott's where Alex sat down. Stepping behind her he put his hands on the chains. Slowly he put the swing in motion. He followed Alex's gaze.

"He's a great kid."

"Yeah."

Bobby knew she'd come to terms with giving birth to Scott a long time ago. He knew she could now look at him without any pain. Only to himself he could admit that he'd thought about having a family with Alex.

Leaning back she looked up at him. "You okay?"

He gave her an honest smile. "Yeah." He watched Scott for a moment to make sure he was okay. "I like… being uncle Bobby."

They were on their way to get some lunch; Scott was now walking between Alex and Bobby, holding both their hands. To any onlooker it would seem like they were a family.

"Can we go to the zoo, auntie Alex?"

"I'm sorry sweetie. After lunch we're going to bring you back to your mother." Besides she and Bobby still had a lot to talk about.

Finally finding a place to eat lunch, they sat down at one of the few tables that were still free. Scott sat next to Alex. Bobby on the other side of the table, opposite of Alex. For lunch Scott went for a pancake, Alex for a salad and Bobby for some soup. While waiting for their food, Scott talked happily about school, his friends and his birthday that was a week away. He gave them a whole list of what he wanted. He gave Bobby a different list than Alex. Which seemed perfectly logical to him.

"Aunt Alex, you're coming to my party, right?"

"Sure I am. Wouldn't miss it." Leaning down, she said. "Besides, how else would you get your present?"

"Are you coming too, uncle Bobby?" Scott was so excited about his party. "I'm gonna have balloons, hats and lots of friends. And we're going to the playground."

Bobby smiled at Scott's excitement. He hated to disappoint the little boy. "I don't think I'll be there."

"But you gotta come!"

"I can't. I'm… not family. And only family and friends come to birthday parties."

"But you're uncle Bobby!" For Scott uncle Bobby was family. "You're gonna marry aunt Alex!" Scott didn't see how shocked both Alex and Bobby were about his words. He turned to his aunt. "He can come, right?"

Feeling put on the spot Alex didn't want to disappoint her nephew. "Sure he can. But only if _uncle_ Bobby wants to. Maybe he's got something else to do."

"Can you come? Please?"

Bobby couldn't make any promises. He wasn't going to intrude on a birthday party when it was possible that a week from now Alex might want some distance from him. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Before Scott could make an issue out of that, his pancake was put in front of him and the party was momentarily forgotten. They took their time eating lunch. Scott mostly filled the silence, but neither Bobby nor Alex minded that. After lunch they drove back to Alex's sister-in-law. Scott however wouldn't leave Alex and Bobby alone without Bobby promising he'd be on his birthday party. Scott had called in the help of his mother.

"Mommy." Scott looked at his mother who was waiting in the doorway for him. Alex and Bobby followed a few steps behind Scott. "can uncle Bobby come to my birthday party?"

Andrea ran her hand through he son's hair and smiled at him. "Sure he can."

"But he says he's no family. But he can come, right?"

"You're family, Bobby, you know that. You're always welcome." Andrea addressed the big, broad detective whom her sister-in-law was partnered with.

"Are you gonna come?" Scott jumped up and down, excited by the idea of uncle Bobby coming to his party.

Bobby hated to disappoint the little boy. Andrea had said he was welcome, that he was… family. "Okay.., I'll come." He softly said.

"Yeah!" Scott screamed and ran to Bobby to hug him. All he could hug was Bobby's leg, but he didn't seem to mind. "Wanna come see my new fish? I called him Nemo."

Sensing that Alex might want a moment to talk to her sister-in-law, Bobby agreed. And he was 'dragged' into the house by the little boy.

The tension between Alex and Bobby was obvious to Andrea. She knew them too well to know when something was wrong. "What's going on?"

Where to begin Alex thought. She sat down on the steps that let to the small porch. Andrea followed her and sat down next to her. Concerned by her sister-in-laws lack of answer, she got worried. "It can't be that bad…, can it?"

"After more than six years, he still doesn't trust me. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I've proven myself to him. There's nothing else I can do. It's up to him to put his trust in me."

"He trusts you, Alex."

"He trusts me on the job. He trusts me to watch his back. He doesn't trust me with his… feelings." She willed back her tears, not wanting to give in to them. "I told him I wasn't going anywhere, Andrea. But maybe I'm going to have to leave him. I need to protect myself too."

Andrea knew there were no words of comfort she could offer. She put her arm around her friend and pulled her close. "Hang in there, Alex." It was all she could offer.

TBC...


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: First let me apologize for the big mistake I made in the previous chapter. It had to be Alex's sister and I had it say Alex's sister-in-law. I always get that mixed up. My apologies and thanks to the people who pointed it out. And thank you also that that mistake didn't turn you all off from the fic. This fic was such a struggle. Really hard and it took a very long time. At first I didn't know where to go and what to write. And the next problem seemed to be how to end it, because clearly another chapter seemed to be pointless. And so this is the result. I hope you'll like it and that the end isn't toooo abrupt, although it's slightly abrupt. But I felt like there was nothing else left to say. Still I hope you like the conversation and the issues they talk about. I also hope you think it's in character. Now with this one finished I can go back to _family getaway_. Thanks to all who read this and reviewed this. **

**Chapter six**

He'd kept silent on the way back to Alex's apartment. He'd heard Alex's conversation with her sister-in-law. He hated that he was causing her pain. He would do anything in his power to prevent her any pain. But that overheard conversation also made everything clearer to him. He needed to let Alex know that he trusted her. That this wasn't about her, it was about him and his own insecurities. And even if she doubted him and their partnership, he was going to make her see that they belonged together. Glancing at her he saw how tense she was. Her knuckles white from the tight grip she had on the steering wheel.

Entering her apartment, he watched her move around. She was holding everything back and he wished she would talk to him. He followed her in the kitchen, stopping a few feet behind her. Her shoulders were slumped, her head hung and her hands were slightly shaking.

"Alex." He softly said.

But there was no reaction from her and he tried again. "Alex…, turn around." When she still didn't turn around he even pleaded with her. "Please." He closed the distance between them and placed his hands on her shoulders. With gentle pressure he turned her around. She refused to look at him. "Come here."

When his arms embraced her she let herself enjoy it for a few seconds. But only for a few seconds. She couldn't hold it back any longer. He kept her feelings in a limbo. One moment being sweet and gentle, the other distant and insecure.

"No, Bobby." She said, putting her hands on his chest and pushing him away. "Stop doing this! Stop pushing me away and then pulling be back. I can't keep doing that. You know what?" She put more distance between them.

"I cannot do this alone, Bobby. We've been partners for over six years now. I thought by now you knew you could trust me. I've been reaching out, Bobby, but you refuse to take my hand. I want to help you. I… I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you in pain and all I want to do is help you through this. Let you know that you don't have to be alone. But you won't accept my help, you won't… accept me! If you want to deal with this alone, just like you've always done. Then fine.., do it. This is the last time I'm reaching out. I won't do it again." Maybe it was childish, but she stomped out of the kitchen into the living room. Leaving Bobby alone to contemplate her words.

Hesitantly he followed her into her living room. Her anger didn't really surprise him. She'd been keeping it in too long. He found her curled up on the couch. Her hair hung before her face, making it impossible for him to read her. He had to fix this.

He paced her room. "I trust you, Alex." Seeing her incredulous look he continued. "I do, Alex. I don't want you to doubt that." He rubbed his neck. "I… I know I've giving you a lot of reasons to doubt me lately. But all this… mess.., it's my fault. It's all my doing."

Alex kept quiet. She wasn't going to disagree with him. It was up to him now. She needed to recollect herself. Otherwise she was going to say things she was going to regret. And they didn't need any more damage to their relationship.

It was time for the whole truth. "I.. guess. No, I know this started with... Jo and Declan. It felt like… it was as if they ripped out my heart. I didn't know I could hurt that much. You.., you're the most important part of my life. I don't ever want loose you. I don't want people hurting you. I… I feel the need to protect you."

"You don't have to protect me. I can take care of myself."

"I know." He said quickly, not wanting to offend her. "It's just that…" He sat down in front of her on the coffee table. His knees almost touched hers. He couldn't find the right words. "When it comes to the people closest to me, I have this need to protect them. I need to… hold.. you close." He looked down at the ground.

"Then why push me away?"

Bobby got up again. Standing on the other side of the coffee table he looked down at her. "Because… I failed you." He intentionally let the silence fall. His failure had made such an impact on him. It made him doubt himself.

"You didn't fail me. Look at me." Alex's voice left no room for debate. When she had his attention she continued. "I'm alive, Bobby. I'm alive because you came for me."

"No!" He was adamant. "You saved yourself. I didn't do anything. I failed to protect you. And then I failed to rescue you." The pain of that failure was still there, simmering just beneath the surface.

"And to avoid any more pain you thought that pushing me away was the best solution?"

"Yes." He decided to tell her more. "It's always been like that. First people get close, but they always leave. To prevent that pain, it was easier to keep the distance. But you… you… ignored that. And.. I let you. You are my weakness. Because my feelings for you are… more than friendly. I care a lot. More than I should. But I didn't mind. For the first time since years, it felt good to care about someone again. I could deal with that. And I thought I… wasn't obvious. I cherished that feeling, even if you could never care for me the way I do for you." His eyes were no longer on her. He'd even turned his back to her. The confession of his love for her was easier without seeing the expected rejection or pity in her eyes.

"Alex, I… I want you. I know that. But it seems as if… for every bit of me that wants you… something makes me back away." He looked at the floor and shuffled his feet. "It's a reflex I can't seem to shake. Ever since Jo, who had no problem reading me, I thought about everything."

"And you thought in stead of talking to me about everything. It would be easier to push me away and make sure I couldn't get close again." She got up to stand behind him and gently placed her hand on his back, just below his shoulder.

He nodded. Her hand on his back felt… right, but he quickly tried to shake that feeling. He felt her hand slide from his back to his waist and a second later she appeared in front of him. "Did it ever cross your mind that I might want you too?"

Honestly, no, but he just kept silent.

"You know what kept me going when Jo had me? The fact that I knew you would come for me. I don't doubt you, Bobby. I still trust you, still have faith in you. _You_ did not fail me." She gathered her thoughts for a moment. "But your refusal to talk, the way you kept pushing me away, you hurt me. And I think you knew exactly what you were doing." That's what it came down to. Bobby had done this knowing all to well what it would do to her.

He couldn't deny it. She was right. The urge to hold her again was to hard to ignore. Roughly he pulled her into his arms and enveloped her with his body. With her in his arms, he could over come the set backs of the last months. "I'm so sorry, Alex." He whispered into her neck, his voice rough. "I'm going to try to make this work. I… I'll let you in, but you're probably going to have to help me out some time."

"Don't worry, I will." She sealed the deal by standing on her toes and kissing him lightly on the lips. "You'll be my work in progress."

**The End**


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